I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
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