I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
