I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
