Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
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You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
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No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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