Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Randomize
