I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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