My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
worst night to have a conscience
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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