some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
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