at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
