I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Randomize
