Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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