i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
