Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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