i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
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You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
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Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
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