Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
