i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
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Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
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I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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