Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
