I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
