I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
