He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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