Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
