I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
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