FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Randomize
