I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How's work?
Spinning.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
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