I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
