I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
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