"it" just moved
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize
