yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
