Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
