time to smoke my breakfast
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
You were trust falling into bushes
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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