in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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