I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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