I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
