All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
