Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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