There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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