Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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