fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
