I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
