I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Text me some of your sweat
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
