I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
