I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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