the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
