The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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