Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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