Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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