I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
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