I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
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