What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
