So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
