No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
