why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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