Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
