yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
