this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
