so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
She's like a pop up book from hell.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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